Thursday, September 1, 2011

I can't help it!

Dear ABC Family,

I don't think sex, violence, drugs, and lying are really "family" friendly.

Sincerely, change your name.

Dear people of the world,

Does anyone know where I can get a hippo?

Sincerely, allowed to have any animal in my dorm that can stay under water for over 15 minutes.

Dear conspiracy theorist,

But what if they just WANT you to think it's a conspiracy?

Sincerely, conspiracy conspiracy theorist.

Dear assigned reading,

I'll take it from here.

Sincerely, Sparknotes.

(Also, remember Monkey Notes? Sparknotes saved my life come Shakespeare time in 10th grade!)

Dear over weight man running,


Sincerely, at least you're trying.

(I hope this is what people are thinking when they pass me running!)

Dear Restaurant,

You have automatic toilets, automatic soap dispensers, automatic faucets, and automatic hand dryers. The least you could do is make your doors push and not pull.

Sincerely, germaphobe.

Dear baking soda,

How is it that you're good for baking AND cleaning toilet bowls?

Sincerely, worried.

Dear person who overheard my conversation,

I was talking about bunk beds.

Sincerely, I like to be on top...

Dear girls,

If you have to question whether or not it's a shirt or a dress... it's probably a shirt.

Sincerely, please, just play it safe.

Dear little brother,

No no, "condo" is short for condominium.

Sincerely, we do not live in a condom.

Dear Disney,

So let me get this straight, you went from Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Lion King and Tarzan, to..... High School Musical, Hannah Montana and Camp Rock?

Sincerely, WTH happened?!

(So true... not that I don't love High School Musical, Hannah Montana, and Camp Rock!)

Dear life,

When you give me dilemmas, I make dilemmanade.

Sincerely, nice try.

Dear food on the ground,

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... GO!

Sincerely, germs.

Dear Gatorade commercials,

You won't need special effects with me. I naturally sweat rainbows.

Sincerely, Chuck Norris.

Dear millionaires,

If you dont have trampoline floors and a giant slide that goes from your bed to a pool, you are wasting your money.

Sincerely, I'd have so much fun.

Dear "an apple a day keeps the doctor away",

Screw you.

Sincerely, Snow White.

Dear men and women of the armed forces,

Please realize that while not all of us support war, we still support you.

Sincerely, thank you.

(I am not saying that I do or don't support the war... I believe it is often an unpleasant necessity but I thought this was a great sentiment.)

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